Monday, June 28, 2010
TO BE HAPPY OR NOT TO BE...
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your Mother ..
When my Son was promoted from junior school to middle school , there was an orientation program arranged by the school authorities for the parents of the new middle schoolers. There were many changes in the school rules and regulations between primary school and middle school and the Principal and other coordinators took great pains to make the parents and guardians abreast of those changes. Amongst various other things they harped on the fact that children now should be made to take part in choosing their own clothes and other personal belongings which would help them in decision making in their later lives. I liked this point and really appreciated the need to let the child decide on his own requirements with ofcourse gentle guidance from the parents.
From that day onwards whenever we had to buy some thing for him, be it clothes or winter wear or shoes, both of us would go instead of me buying and thrusting it on him . In any case , I had enough experience by then what happened when some thing which he did not like was given to him . There would be no formal protest or opposition but those unliked things would never see the daylight outside the closet.
I do not know if it is because ladies are more equipped physiologically to take care of the children or of the joy they get from doing things for their offsprings , it is always the mothers who shoulder the larger portion of the work load when it comes to taking care of the family even when both the partners are working . My case is no different . Added to that like most of the working-outside-mums , I too am never spared of the Guilt of leaving my precious one in the care of a third person for the larger part of the day. Hence all my time outside the work was devoted to taking care of my son , starting from attending to all the meetings and forums and special days in the school to taking him to his chess and TT coaching or accompanying him to tournaments where he participated. I just didn’t want him to feel that he was missing something because his mother was working . This role-overload sometimes left me strained in the attempt to balance the roles of a mother and a working professional , but never the less the satisfaction it provided made up for all the physical stress. To some extent it did take off the negative vives of the continuous guilt feeling. Since my husband is not very fond of shopping , shopping for electronic gizmos being the only exception, purchasing the rest of the items needed by our home or for gifting others has always been my responsibility. And if it is some thing for my Son’s use , both he and I go and even though the first round of selection is made by him , for the final thing he would require my suggestion. My son is a great company and both of us always enjoyed these little outings combined with lunch or dinner. He is in a growing stage now and one day I observed that he had outgrown his Sandals and required a new pair. I told him we would go one day after the office hours when I could make it a little early from the office. But that time being the month of march , leaving at a decent time to go home pick up son and go for his sandals buying was just not becoming possible. Almost every weekend we were having guests. It was getting procrastinated and my son was getting restless. I offered him to come to my office so that we could straight head for the market . But that was clashing with his play time and he was in no mood to abandon his one day’s game . So one day he told me “ why can’t I go myself with bhaiya ( our domestic help who goes to pick him from school) and get it myself on my way back home from school?” I didn’t know what to say . He had never gone without me to buy any of his personal belongings . I was not sure whether he would be able to choose on his own. But still I consented since his sandals were in very bad shape and I knew I would not be able to make before 1st April. My domestic help is with us for many years , a very responsible boy and like a family member. So I gave him the money and necessary instruction to buy the sandals. I was feeling very bad since my son had to go and choose alone for the first time. I called him up when he was in the store , but he said there was no problem and he could purchase what he wanted. After I came back home , I was curious to see what he had bought. This was his first independent purchase. When he showed me, I was really impressed with his selection . He had chosen a very nice pair and probably if I would have accompanied him , my choice would not have been as good. I knew my son was now a grown up boy. He could now take decisions without his mother's help. Had it been any other circumstance, I would have been very happy thinking my little son had become independent enough to buy his own shoes, to take decision and make selection. For some one who always depended on his mother for making the final choice, this was a big achievement. But somehow I could not be very excited or exalted. It was a mixed feeling which was gripping me that time. The very thought that he was forced to behave in a more mature manner than his age demanded because my preoccupation at work or lack of time available for him during that period was getting heavier than the feeling of pride that my boy was a self sufficient boy now. Taken in isolation this is quite a simple occurrence . A student of class 8 buying his own shoes is probably not a very astonishing thing . But the plethora of complex psychological thoughts churning my mind that time was just unfathomable. I would have been probably very happy at this occurrence had I been a stay at home mum or had he done it when I was able to give him time , but his doing it as a matter of compulsion or because of being left with no other choice was just too much for me to bear. Would he have to go alone , if I could have spared some time for him – was the thought which constantly chasing my already guilt burdened mind.
If there was one thing I was very clear about from my teendhood days it was the decision to work whatever may be the situation. I continued my resolve in the adolescence days, joined a professional course and continued to study and complete my studies after marriage. I was enamoured by the glamours of a Private Sector (if possible an MNC) job and wanted to go up the ladders of one such organization. But once I became a mother and gave him one year of undivided attention after my little one’s birth , career took a backseat. As my child was growing up I felt raising up the child with care produces a bond of high intensity. So I decided to start working only after my son was one year old . It was the precise intersection of my mother's most passionate impulse as a mother, the obsessive almost physical love for my child and the fervent wish since childhood to make something of myself beyond the domestic boundaries, to have an identity of my own , to do justice to all the years of hardwork. I started considering my circumstances and various possibilities. Nothing can ever compensate the pang of seeing your child clutching to your dupatta while you leave for work or being under continuous guilt of leaving my precious one in some one else’s care. On top of that it is always the mother who has to remember the vaccination dates , interview date for kindergarten school , buying gift for a birth day party or decide the daily menu for the day keeping in mind tastes of all the members of the household. But then I am one of those individuals who do not cope really well with staying at home all day. I would feel aimless and inconsequential without a career. I thought a mother feeling duty-bound to stay home “for the sake of the child” won’t be an ideal parental presence in the long run. My mother was a house wife and I had never felt the misery of latch-key children. So probably never knew the woes of children of working mothers. My husband and my in-laws who were staying with us supported my decision to work and luckily we had enough support to help with other domestic chores and take care of the child during my absence. So I decided taking my circumstances into account to join a public sector organization where I would be able to cope with both work and home and make a successful balance of both and thus gave up my supposed to be better private sector job which had higher demands in terms of time and energy. As a result I could give my son enough time and take part in all the activities he was associated with , be it a chess tournament or quiz show. My office timings were regular and I did not miss tucking him to his bed or feeding him dinner or help him with his bag packing because I was having a late business dinner. All these things of course did not come without the occasional stress , anxiety and overwhelming ness of trying to juggling between both the worlds . Attending the Parents Teachers Meeting at 8.30 , dropping him at home and making it to office at 10 without breakfast was quite unnerving at times . And I would crib at the daily life which was becoming more like fire drill exercises . As I felt guilty over additional time away from my child, I normally did not go out for merry making without my son. Even my Son won't go and spend one night alone in any relative's house if i didn't accompany. I sometimes cribbed about having no time for myself. I always waited when he would grow up b be independent and start doing things on his own without my supervision so that I could have time for my own activities..
But then why am I feeling so bad because my Son was compelled to do something and he did it quite well without my help or support. I wanted to work , I wanted him to be independent , why then I am unable to feel happy that he has become independent … Why am I not sure TO BE HAPPY OR NOT TO BE HAPPY… Can I ever be sure what I really want..
Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Edgar Allan Poe
From that day onwards whenever we had to buy some thing for him, be it clothes or winter wear or shoes, both of us would go instead of me buying and thrusting it on him . In any case , I had enough experience by then what happened when some thing which he did not like was given to him . There would be no formal protest or opposition but those unliked things would never see the daylight outside the closet.
I do not know if it is because ladies are more equipped physiologically to take care of the children or of the joy they get from doing things for their offsprings , it is always the mothers who shoulder the larger portion of the work load when it comes to taking care of the family even when both the partners are working . My case is no different . Added to that like most of the working-outside-mums , I too am never spared of the Guilt of leaving my precious one in the care of a third person for the larger part of the day. Hence all my time outside the work was devoted to taking care of my son , starting from attending to all the meetings and forums and special days in the school to taking him to his chess and TT coaching or accompanying him to tournaments where he participated. I just didn’t want him to feel that he was missing something because his mother was working . This role-overload sometimes left me strained in the attempt to balance the roles of a mother and a working professional , but never the less the satisfaction it provided made up for all the physical stress. To some extent it did take off the negative vives of the continuous guilt feeling. Since my husband is not very fond of shopping , shopping for electronic gizmos being the only exception, purchasing the rest of the items needed by our home or for gifting others has always been my responsibility. And if it is some thing for my Son’s use , both he and I go and even though the first round of selection is made by him , for the final thing he would require my suggestion. My son is a great company and both of us always enjoyed these little outings combined with lunch or dinner. He is in a growing stage now and one day I observed that he had outgrown his Sandals and required a new pair. I told him we would go one day after the office hours when I could make it a little early from the office. But that time being the month of march , leaving at a decent time to go home pick up son and go for his sandals buying was just not becoming possible. Almost every weekend we were having guests. It was getting procrastinated and my son was getting restless. I offered him to come to my office so that we could straight head for the market . But that was clashing with his play time and he was in no mood to abandon his one day’s game . So one day he told me “ why can’t I go myself with bhaiya ( our domestic help who goes to pick him from school) and get it myself on my way back home from school?” I didn’t know what to say . He had never gone without me to buy any of his personal belongings . I was not sure whether he would be able to choose on his own. But still I consented since his sandals were in very bad shape and I knew I would not be able to make before 1st April. My domestic help is with us for many years , a very responsible boy and like a family member. So I gave him the money and necessary instruction to buy the sandals. I was feeling very bad since my son had to go and choose alone for the first time. I called him up when he was in the store , but he said there was no problem and he could purchase what he wanted. After I came back home , I was curious to see what he had bought. This was his first independent purchase. When he showed me, I was really impressed with his selection . He had chosen a very nice pair and probably if I would have accompanied him , my choice would not have been as good. I knew my son was now a grown up boy. He could now take decisions without his mother's help. Had it been any other circumstance, I would have been very happy thinking my little son had become independent enough to buy his own shoes, to take decision and make selection. For some one who always depended on his mother for making the final choice, this was a big achievement. But somehow I could not be very excited or exalted. It was a mixed feeling which was gripping me that time. The very thought that he was forced to behave in a more mature manner than his age demanded because my preoccupation at work or lack of time available for him during that period was getting heavier than the feeling of pride that my boy was a self sufficient boy now. Taken in isolation this is quite a simple occurrence . A student of class 8 buying his own shoes is probably not a very astonishing thing . But the plethora of complex psychological thoughts churning my mind that time was just unfathomable. I would have been probably very happy at this occurrence had I been a stay at home mum or had he done it when I was able to give him time , but his doing it as a matter of compulsion or because of being left with no other choice was just too much for me to bear. Would he have to go alone , if I could have spared some time for him – was the thought which constantly chasing my already guilt burdened mind.
If there was one thing I was very clear about from my teendhood days it was the decision to work whatever may be the situation. I continued my resolve in the adolescence days, joined a professional course and continued to study and complete my studies after marriage. I was enamoured by the glamours of a Private Sector (if possible an MNC) job and wanted to go up the ladders of one such organization. But once I became a mother and gave him one year of undivided attention after my little one’s birth , career took a backseat. As my child was growing up I felt raising up the child with care produces a bond of high intensity. So I decided to start working only after my son was one year old . It was the precise intersection of my mother's most passionate impulse as a mother, the obsessive almost physical love for my child and the fervent wish since childhood to make something of myself beyond the domestic boundaries, to have an identity of my own , to do justice to all the years of hardwork. I started considering my circumstances and various possibilities. Nothing can ever compensate the pang of seeing your child clutching to your dupatta while you leave for work or being under continuous guilt of leaving my precious one in some one else’s care. On top of that it is always the mother who has to remember the vaccination dates , interview date for kindergarten school , buying gift for a birth day party or decide the daily menu for the day keeping in mind tastes of all the members of the household. But then I am one of those individuals who do not cope really well with staying at home all day. I would feel aimless and inconsequential without a career. I thought a mother feeling duty-bound to stay home “for the sake of the child” won’t be an ideal parental presence in the long run. My mother was a house wife and I had never felt the misery of latch-key children. So probably never knew the woes of children of working mothers. My husband and my in-laws who were staying with us supported my decision to work and luckily we had enough support to help with other domestic chores and take care of the child during my absence. So I decided taking my circumstances into account to join a public sector organization where I would be able to cope with both work and home and make a successful balance of both and thus gave up my supposed to be better private sector job which had higher demands in terms of time and energy. As a result I could give my son enough time and take part in all the activities he was associated with , be it a chess tournament or quiz show. My office timings were regular and I did not miss tucking him to his bed or feeding him dinner or help him with his bag packing because I was having a late business dinner. All these things of course did not come without the occasional stress , anxiety and overwhelming ness of trying to juggling between both the worlds . Attending the Parents Teachers Meeting at 8.30 , dropping him at home and making it to office at 10 without breakfast was quite unnerving at times . And I would crib at the daily life which was becoming more like fire drill exercises . As I felt guilty over additional time away from my child, I normally did not go out for merry making without my son. Even my Son won't go and spend one night alone in any relative's house if i didn't accompany. I sometimes cribbed about having no time for myself. I always waited when he would grow up b be independent and start doing things on his own without my supervision so that I could have time for my own activities..
But then why am I feeling so bad because my Son was compelled to do something and he did it quite well without my help or support. I wanted to work , I wanted him to be independent , why then I am unable to feel happy that he has become independent … Why am I not sure TO BE HAPPY OR NOT TO BE HAPPY… Can I ever be sure what I really want..
Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Edgar Allan Poe
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